The story seems to always be the same: A woman discovers her husband is on Grindr. There is shock and disbelief. Does it mean your husband is gay? Not necessarily. Let me explain.

The South African account ConfessionsWithLinda on X sometimes gets confessions from women who to their horror have discovered Grindr on their husband or boyfriend’s phone, like the above unfortunate lady. It must be a shock to the system and initially so many things were probably going through her mind at the time.

Men who have sex with men (MSM)
Although you may have found him on Grindr (or another dating app also looking for men), don’t jump to conclusions. There are many men who have sex with men who go on the app. They have no romantic interest in men – they are only interested in the transaction. There are also men who are only interested in transwomen and in their mind they are sleeping with a woman, they are attracted to the femininity and then find the trans part spicy and exciting and a kick they like. Many (less white than black) men on there are “DL” that is to say “Down Low”, keeping a low profile because of their life situation and just seeking hookups with other men. Some love their wives, some are in a loveless relationship, some are just curious and exploring.

Someone being on Grindr does not in any way indicate they are gay. It just indicates they are exploring having sex with other men or transwomen (or even transmen!). Someone who would be looking for a more romantic relation would likely go on apps like Tinder instead, with a no-photo profile. Having said that, there is a proportion of men who do go on Grindr simply because it’s the only viable option to find another man, given the huge user base the app has. It’s also the main app used by men to hook up with (have casual sex with) other men.

“Ultimately, being gay means you are attracted to the same sex, which is different to Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men” says Christopher Kelly in his Medium article, talking to Dr. Joe Kort who adds: “Usually there is an emotional, psychological, romantic and sexual interest in a person of the same sex as well as identifying with other gay men and the gay male community,” says Kelly.

Should I confront my boyfriend/husband?
If you have found, or been alerted to your partner being on a dating app like Tinder or Hinge, or a hookup app like Grindr where you should start is that he is there for a reason. The question is what those reasons are? He is on there for a reason, right? Granted, he may be seeking sex with other men. But take a step back and think that first and foremost he is seeking relations with another person. If you are in a marriage, or (supposedly) committed monogamous relationship then he is seeking to cheat on you. But the cheating may not be of a romantic nature at all, he could be seeking sex from another man. Men are wired like this, they are easily able to separate emotions and sexual relations and for them it could just be about the excitement and transaction. If you are a woman reading this, know that he may still love you. Maybe there was just something missing in his life which made him seek this out. Again, it does not mean your man is gay or even bisexual.

The issue won’t go away, though. You could look at it as cheating – but it’s not an affair he is having. It is likely just hookups i.e. casual sex he is up to and if it really is just the transaction he is after then is it different from him having a romantic affair with someone? I think it is. They are both betrayals of trust, but casual hookups are just that, expressions of carnal desire or maybe even a trauma reenactment where is is reenacting sexual episodes from past abuse. The reasons for wanting the sex can be many. Getting to the bottom of why he is doing this might be hard and perhaps you won’t ever get a good answer. The men doing this might be embarrassed by their actions – not only are they caught wanting sex with someone else it’s with a man as well (unless they are into transwomen, that’s different). So you can probably see here, there could be a multitude of reasons for him being on Grindr.

Confronting him is obviously the hard part. I think mainly because he would first have to admit to himself that he’s gone out seeking spicy relations with other men. Just going out and doing it, and admitting to doing it are two different things. I have no easy solutions to that one. Counselling may help here, or just talking about it making it a casual conversation rather than accusations and confrontation.

You also need to think about yourself here as well. The shock and disappointment of being alerted to your partner on Grindr or similar apps can be overwhelming and you may have a feeling of both anger and betrayal. Perhaps your whole world has not completely fallen apart but it’s hard to deal with, finding out something about a person you thought you knew well. Consider talking to a close friend about it, or even a therapist.

Sexual Health
If you continue to have sex with your male partner, and then discover he might have had sex with someone else, your first concern is probably if he could have given you a sexually transmitted disease. To which the answer is that it’s possible and the only way of finding out is for both of you to get tested. For sex between men it’s common to have sex “bareback” – not using any protection. It is also common for the men who do this to be on PReP , a medication when taken correctly reduces the chances of HIV infection to almost 0%. You may want to find out if your male partner takes PReP, which can be taken continuously, or “event-based” where you take it 2 hours before sex and then for 2 days after sex. There are also other STIs to consider, such as Gonorrhea.

It’s kind of a double whammy to deal with – finding out your husband has been seeking out sex with men but also that he may have infected you from his male sex escapades. Deal with the health matter first, the cheating next.