It’s not easy when someone has left you without explanation. There is a huge difference between having been abandoned with no explanation, and a terrible break-up like most couples seem to experience. We have to deal with a sense of loss and learning to live with never having the answers. At least with a conventional break-up you have some answers. The kindest thing your ex partner can do to you is tell you why it ended. At least then you have closure. What then happens when you don’t have closure? You start asking yourself “Why? What did I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me?”. Later, maybe you feel duped. You see that the pattern you were subjected to – love bombing, lies, gaslighting, then PTSD – is not uncommon and you are not alone. There are other people out there who have had the same happen to them. Always keep that in mind.

Know that the person you met selected you because of your great qualities, that they clearly saw they could exploit to their benefit. Narcicissts and sociopaths prey on people who have a lot of empathy. They recognise a special type of person in you. You may have had a fantastic relationship, or at least like me I thought that is what I had. That it was all so perfect. I loved him so much and so deeply. But what he actually felt about me, if he felt anything at all, I will never know. Don’t blame yourself, though. You have been treated badly. It wasn’t your fault. The person you loved is never coming back. They have no empathy. They can never understand the impact their behaviour has had on you.

Going back to what you thought you had

It really is so incredibly hard when you have been abandoned. Ghosted. If only he had the decency to just tell me what was going on and tell me he is no longer interested and that he wants to break up with me. Spell out the reasons he didn’t think it was working. I never got that. I had to try and piece it all together from social media, and to his “new” partner. Despite knowing what had happened, incredibly his other partner chose to stay with Lwanda. I guess love makes you blind. It’s true what they say. But to his credit, at least he was open and honest with me and helped me piece together parts of the story. Having at least some answers made it easier to move on.

I was probably in a vulnerable situation. Probably easy to manipulate. Then someone comes along and assure you that you are the person they want to be with. They spend months or even years assuring you of this. In the process, you develop the most incredible, deep love you have ever experienced. You are on cloud nine. You can’t believe something like this has finally happened to you. When you are at that stage, when you love someone so deeply and profound that you can’t even find the words to describe it – it makes it very hard to “unlove” that someone. Even though they treated you badly, they left you without explanation, maybe emotionally abused you – your feelings are still there and you can’t just de-program your mind to get rid of your feelings to you can just move on with your life.

Maybe you want to just go back to what you thought you had? The thought is appealing. You want to go back to what feels safe and wonderful and despite all that happened, you want to go back to the way things were. The loving relationship. Would I want my Lwanda back? I am ashamed to admit, I do. But apparently, that is a normal reaction. It’s probably my mind wanting to revert back to when things were good and I was happy. Very happy. It’s like a drug.

Still, in my case it was probably all a lie. When you have been with someone for over two years, and then realise none of it was real – that is a lot to take in. Obviously you feel used and abused. My kindness and generosity was abused and now, I just feel anger about that. Regret and anger.

How do you unlove someone?

9 Survival Tips for for those who have been abandoned or discarded

01
Seek out people who will “get” how you feel. Only those people who have experienced the same as you, will ever truly “get” how you feel. Reach out to friends, colleagues, your local community and the wider public internet. I had a colleague who had his wife walk out on him, very suddenly, and with no explanation. The best “therapy” I have ever had was talking to him and sharing experiences.

• Overcoming divorce/break-up support groups
• Grief support groups
• If your now ex-partner had specific psychological issues such as narcissism,  there codamay be charities, support and self-helf groups that can offer support. For example the UK’s Echo Society provide counselling to victims of narcissistic abuse. CoDependents Anonymous is another excellent group.

Seek help from a professional therapist. Don’t try and go it all alone. You need help coming to terms with the trauma of your partner abandoning you, and friends and support groups can only do so much.